Holding Her Breath Underwater
by girltogirl
Summary: Callie had saved Arizona's life, but it felt like she was losing her anyway. Post 9x01. Reviews are appreciated.


_"How the hell am I supposed to 'snap out of this' when you cut off my leg?" _

Her wife's last words to her rang in her ears as she sat in one of the only unoccupied on-call rooms in the hospital, tears blurring her vision.

She wanted to forget, but after another long, dreary morning of nothing but paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork, Callie only got frustrated and angry. She wanted nothing more than to go into surgery, and cut some bones. To hold a scalpel in her hands, and just _cut. _It would relax her, if only for the time being. Being in surgery was like a lullaby; it brought her into a different world, one where she could forget all of the pain she left at Arizona and her's apartment, where she didn't think about anything except the patient laying in front of her.

How she wished she could be there now, instead of quietly crying by herself in the on-call room she was currently in.

She didn't want to remember. She wanted to forget the harsh words.

_"-when you cut off my leg?"_

Those six words had hit her like a bullet, and she'd felt them as if a thousand knives had stabbed at her heart. It hurt, knowing that Arizona loathed her for something she had no choice doing, for what- Arizona thought- had ruined the blonde's life.

Arizona was cold to her now, always inching away from Callie's attempt at a touch, or barely acknowledging her existence. The baby blue eyes that'd once held nothing but warmth, love, and lust in them when they searched Callie's gaze now held nothing but contempt and loathing, anger and pain. The once full-of-life PEDs surgeon was an empty shell of her former self.

It broke Callie, seeing her wife like that; it was almost like looking at a stranger. The happy, cheerful Arizona she knew was gone. It broke her that she was the cause of Arizona's daily pain, suffering, and depression. She'd taken away what she promised she wouldn't, and it ruined the blonde's life.

_I had no choice. _

It was something she tried to tell herself every day, a way to comfort herself. But it always failed every time she saw the once-perky blonde laying in bed, covers over her body, head turned away. The other attendings and residents tried to convince her that she had done the right thing, that Arizona would have died if Callie hadn't amputated her leg.

That only made Callie feel worse, as if she had done it out of selfishness. If she'd let Arizona go, she would've been all alone, and miserable, yes. But Arizona wouldn't have had to deal with the price of a losing a leg; not being able to walk, the pain of realizing she would not be able to be a PEDs surgeon anymore, to operate on the tiny humans and save their lives, and the sadness and anger of realizing her life would be forever changed, to be forever dependent on someone. Callie knew Arizona hated being dependent and weak, which was exactly what the blonde thought she was now.

And they both knew it was Callie's fault.

Even though it really wasn't.

They were both drowning, but only one of them was trying to swim to the surface; the other was letting herself fall deeper and deeper to the bottom. While Callie struggled just to get through the day- working at the hospital, taking care of Sofia, trying to help Arizona in anyway she could, and grieving silently over losing her best friend-, Arizona didn't do anything except lay in bed. Her eyes never inched away from straight in front of her, almost as if she were waiting.

What she was waiting for, Callie didn't know.

_"I hate you."_

The words that had flown out of the blonde's mouth when she first saw nothing but a stump for a leg had been hissed out of anger, Callie knew. But it didn't change that Arizona had looked at her with nothing but disgust and anger.

_"You did this to me!" _

Callie had tried calming her, comforting her, in any way she could, but the the blonde angrily shoved her away.

_"I don't think I'll be able to forgive you for this, Callie. You broke your promise."_

_She said Callie, _was the first thing that had popped into the Latina's mind when the blonde had spat those words at her.

Arizona hated her. She wanted nothing to do with the brunette standing before her. And Callie could understand why.

Now, as Callie began crying, letting out loud sobs, all she felt was sorrow. She was lost; she felt like she had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. She had lost her best friend, her wife wanted nothing to do with her.

Callie was struggling to breathe, but it was hard. She was letting the salty water of the ocean fill her lungs instead. She was still struggling to reach the surface, but was failing miserably. It was so close, yet so far away, and the brunette knew she was stuck.

The Latina wanted her wife back.

Callie had saved Arizona's life, but it felt like she ended up losing her anyway.

* * *

As always, Callie felt nerves in her stomach as she made her way to the apartment later that evening. But she should've known by now that Arizona would never be there to greet her, to start yelling at her as soon as she walked through the door. She'd be curled up in bed.

Callie made dinner, and peaked in the room to ask the blonde if she wanted anything, to which the woman let out a snarled, "no." The Latina only sighed and made food for her, anyway, leaving it by her nightstand. Arizona never touched it. Callie offered to help Arizona take a shower- she _smelled- _but the blonde scarcely replied. She sounded drained, which was new, and that startled and scared Callie. Before, Arizona would yell or cry or scream, but now she just sounded...numb. Empty. Gone.

The Latina didn't know what to do, except let out a breath to calm herself. She wouldn't cry in front of Arizona. She refused to. Someone had to be the stronger of the two, and it looked to be the brunette in this situation.

But Callie was far from strong. She still longed for the comforting embrace of Mark. She needed her best friend more than ever, to tell her that she was doing the right thing, to not give up, that he'd be there for her, always.

Now, Callie sighed and stared at Arizona's peaceful face as the blonde's eyes were closed and her mind was in dreamland. It was a habit now. Callie would spend several hours watching her wife sleep, just to see the old Arizona; the one she fell in love with.

Callie knew Arizona would hate it if she knew the Latina watched her while she slept, but it was the only time that she could see her face looking calm nowadays, and she wasn't going to let go of that. Arizona looked looked more like her old self; content, calm, at peace. Callie missed that look more than anything.

"I blame myself too, you know," Callie said suddenly, looking at the sleeping mess of blonde hair and peaceful face. It was the first time she'd spoken out loud during the times she'd spent sitting there. "Every moment of every day."

She paused, as if she was waiting for Arizona to reply, then continued in a quiet voice, "It's my fault. If I hadn't been so selfish, if I had just let you go..." She trailed off as heavy emotions began building in the back of her throat.

The waves were threatening to crash down on her.

"I know you hate me. I know you wish you were dead instead of going through what you're going through.

"I miss you, Zona. I miss _us. _I miss the perky, blonde woman who wore butterflies on her scrub cap, who always said, 'Awesome' and 'Yay'. I want that woman back._" _

Silence.

"Right now, it's...it's all dark and grey and cloudy. Everywhere I look, I can only see pain. I can only see the bad. There's no good, no light. I feel so...lost without you. You're here, but you're not. And I need you to be.

"I know you think everything's different now, a-and maybe you're right. But that shouldn't stop you- _us-_ from being good men in a storm. You- _we'll _get through this, baby. Together. I know you don't want to be near me, and I know you hate me, but I don't care. You can lash out at me, throw things at me, try and break me down, but I know you need me as much as I need you right now.

"We vowed, Arizona. We promised each other, 'through sickness and heath'. And I know you don't want to hear about promises, so instead, I'm saying we're going to _try _to get through this. It doesn't mean we will. But there's nothing wrong with trying, is there? There's nothing wrong with hope.

"If you think, even for a second, that I'm going to leave you now, you're wrong. I love you, and I'm here for you. You're still the beautiful Arizona Robbins I married, and you always will be. I want to see your smile again, 'Zona. It lit up my whole world. I miss it, and I miss _you."_

Letting the tears fall silently down her face, she quieted for a minute, studying the blonde. She suddenly felt the urge to crawl in bed beside her. They hadn't slept in the same bed since the plane crash, and the Latina wanted the familiarity of cuddling with the other woman. She wanted the comfort of knowing that her wife wanted her there with her. Then she stood up, and then, she decided she was done walking on eggshells around her wife. She made the bold decision to crawl sneakily into the bed beside the blonde. It was the first time in months that Callie had felt this close to Arizona. She only hoped Arizona wouldn't wake up; the blonde would have her head off.

"I'll always be here for you, baby. I love you," the brunette whispered. She kissed the crown of her head, and felt for one of her hands.

Callie refused to let Arizona give up. They were strong, both of them. Callie knew that. Arizona'd always been the strong one, and Callie wanted to see her back. She would've been damned if she let the blonde sink even further into the bottomless pit of the ocean.

* * *

_"...You- we'll get through this, baby. Together. I know you don't want to be near me, and I know you hate me, but I don't care. You can lash out at me, throw things at me, try and break me down, but I know you need me as much as I need you right vowed, Arizona. We promised each other, 'through sickness and heath'. And I know you don't want to hear about promises, so instead, I'm saying we're going to try to get through this. It doesn't mean we will. But there's nothing wrong with trying, is there? There's nothing wrong with hope. If you think, even for a second, that I'm going to leave you now, you're wrong. I love you, and I'm here for you. You're still the beautiful Arizona Robbins I married, and you always will be. I want to see your smile again, 'Zona. It lit up my whole world. I miss it, and I miss you."_

Little did the Latina know, Arizona had heard everything. The blonde had heard every single word.

Little did Callie realize, Arizona was inching just a little bit closer to her, gripping the other woman's hand more firmly, refusing to let go.

* * *

_How can you still love and trust the one person that took everything away from you?_


End file.
